Read at own risk

I’ve decided to be brave and put up an old poem. It’s below the fold so that people aren’t accidentally exposed.

The fluorescent bulbs

in their serried ranking;

the forest of beams,

old iron that’s lasting;

the languid curves

in their precise placing –

all add up to a beauty

of space and spacing.

In the brightness and dark,

a pause for breathing –

a world apart

from the unending striving

of the tracks in their quest

to find…

an ending?

true meaning?

at their points all a-vanishing.

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6 Responses to Read at own risk

  1. Tim R says:

    I think this poem is very good. (But I don’t read too much poetry).

    I liked subject and style – actually not so much overall style, but liked word selection.

    I think the subject was also good. Human effects on nature, beauty in patterns and order, and finally asking the question what’s it for and noting that existence is finite.

  2. Jarrah says:

    Thanks for the kind words. It’s more than the poem deserves 😉

  3. Peg says:

    I think it is good too. Are there any new ones? xxx

  4. Jarrah says:

    All the recent ones are spur-of-the-moment mobile phone text haikus, normally quite bad ones, and almost always loves notes to L, therefore not fit for publication and usually lost forever to the Pit of Deleted Messages.

  5. JM says:

    I think it’s pretty good, but can I offer (hopefully constructive criticism)?

    It set’s up a sort of apartness until the last 3 lines where it surrenders to it (the apartness I mean) where I think it would be stronger to relate it to what happens underneath:- ie. I got the impression of the loft of a factory with something underneath but then the metaphor (simile? – I never get that right) of “true meaning … all points a-vanishing” (which is a great image btw) takes it away into very subjective territory rather than anchoring it concretely to the real life underneath.

    (Sorry, that’s my eng. lit. criticism for the decade)

  6. Jarrah says:

    Thanks, JM. I certainly didn’t expect this range of responses, and everyone’s being very nice about my doggerel.

    It’s about the Western Line of Sydney’s railways.

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